Lately I've been thinking more and more about different aspects of life.
And lately, I've also been going through changes. Not puberty, mental
changes, epiphanies you might say. I've been thinking about acceptance,
my future, and what friendship really is. I really don't think I'm the
same person I was; both in a negative way and a positive way. I have
slightly matured, but I think a lot of times I tried to act more mature
than I really was which caused me to lose something else in the process.

I know that I'm annoying. It may not seem like it on the
internet but in real life, I'm extremely annoying. I know I am, and I
try hard not to be-- but in reality I think it's who I really am. I
consider it a curse to be this energetic. I've lost several
friendships because of it. I know there are people who truly like me
for who I am-- but you can like someone and still be annoyed by them. I
have just been fearing that they will slowly fade away from me.

Half of the time, I'm either angry or sad and the other half
I'm happy. But when I'm around people, I usually hide my anger or
depression. If I don't hide it, an awkward situation will form and the
spotlight will shine on me. Everyone will say "What's wrong? What
happened? Why are you sad?". I don't like to be an attention whore and
I don't like to let my negative emotions show to other peopkle-- it just
seems so awkward.

And recently, I've began uttering the phrase: "Don't lose it".
It's supposed to mean that your personality is unique and there is
no one else out there like you. It would be ashame for you to lose
who you are. But it doesn't seem to work, because deep down inside I've
begun to hate who I really am. We can't all like ourselves, can we?

It seems like every time I feel better about myself-- something
is always there to crush my optomism down again. I don't think I've
done anything to deserve this, huh Karma? I guess they're right when
they say Karma is a bitch. Maybe Karma is just a sadist playing God.
I suffered from depressing at an extremely young age and eventually got
over it. It's probably going to come back now, after all this shit that's
been happening.

But I think I know where it all began. Back in October, when
/she/ started to become bitchy. We were best friends before-- showed
eachother different music we thought the other person would like, hang
out and drink coffee, laugh and have fun. What ever happened to that?
Why did you start to become bitchy? Because I'm annoying. It all comes
back to that in the end, doesn't it?

But then again, being annoying has it's benefits. It seperates
my fake friends from my true friends.

And it looks like I have more fake friends than true friends.

And to the readers, sorry for emo-ing up the atmosphere. I just needed
a rant.